Willy Wonka and the Freak Factory

I don’t know why, but I’ve been thinking about this movie/book a lot. I think I saw a picture of Gene Wilder? Who knows why thoughts appear, they just do. Also it’s maybe because my friend and I (hi, Nicole) are trying to think of a project and I’m remembering how we met. Our other friend Megan said, “do you guys know each other? Because you should.” She had no idea what she was creating. Then we bonded over a buzzfeed quiz about which character you would be from Willy Wonka. We both got Grandpa Joe and Grandpa Joe is such a bitch. He’s super lazy, won’t help bring in money for his extremely poor family, and then when he gets the golden ticket he’s like, “check this somersault, d-bags, I’m getting chocolate.” I mean, it is very clear WHY I got that result, but I was still mad about it.

If I were to answer for us, I would think Nicole would get the fat German kid. She eats A LOT of candy and definitely would have fallen in the chocolate river. I would assume I’d get Veruca Salt because I am very difficult to be around.

Anyway, so where this train of thought was going was I wonder if the other kids in the story made it out alive or if they died. At the end, Wonka hands the factory over to Charlie and he’s like, “peace, I’m out.” Do you think Charlie said, “oh, let them go, it was all harmless fun!” Or do you think he said, “okay, that one can suffocate in that tube, she can burn in the incinerator, he can stay in that television.” I feel like he probably had a lot of rage for the fact that they made difficult what could have been a very easy tour of a candy factory. He would have let Violet out because she would get a TLC show. The Giant Blueberry Girl and Her Trip to a Chocolate Factory. It would give Charlie publicity, and any publicity is good publicity. People would line up for miles to get in because people like a lot of things that aren’t good for them. Have you ever heard of cigarettes?

I learned that cigarettes are bad from watching Mad Men. Everything I need to know about life I learned from television. Like that it never rains in California because I don’t remember it raining on 90210 and Dylan McKay would never lie to me.

Anyway, I am pretty sure those other kids are dead, even though we are completely ignoring the fact that Charlie also partook of some product and that fizzy cola scene is 100% of the reason I hate that movie. It’s a stupid scene! Don’t at me. I am firm in this stance. Also ignoring the fact that Roald Dahl was likely a Nazi sympathizer and ISN’T IT STRANGE that the winner of the factory is the blond-haired blue-eyed boy. HMMMM.

Disclaimer: I have never read the book.

One time when I was googling Roald Dahl and Nazi sympathizing, because I always want to be thorough before I start saying stuff (lol, no, I’ll say anything), I came across the greatest quote about any human ever:

“Even from his earliest days, he was a hateful little fuck.”

I didn’t click the link so I don’t know who said it or if it is in fact accurate, but as I said, I’ll say anything and I love that and want to say it about everyone I know. Sorry everyone I know. No hard feelings.

Here Are Some Things You May Not Know About Me

I’m 60% convinced that when I fly I keep the plane in the air with the power of my mind and that is why I can’t sleep on planes. There is always someone on the plane who keeps it in the sky and when I’m on the plane, it’s me. You’re welcome.

I’m only 40% convinced that my belly button will never come untied, at which point I will deflate like a balloon.

I’m about 80% sure that Planet of the Apes is not a sci-fi movie, but a cautionary tale and we should not believe that primates learning sign language is cute but is, in fact, part of a long con in which they convince us they are harmless before they take over the world and put US behind glass where they laugh at us for being dumb enough to eat our own vomit. I once saw an ape vomit and then eat it and I will NOT be that ape. I will not.

If NASA says that an asteroid is coming to destroy the earth I will kill myself. Have you seen SEEKING A FRIEND FOR THE END OF THE WORLD? That movie stressed me out. At the end [SPOILER ALERT] they lie on the floor just waiting for the world to end? They just lie there? Waiting? The anticipation alone would certainly trigger a fatal heart attack so let’s just get that shit over with.

I’m about 50/50 on California breaking off from the United States, especially now that Antarctica is splitting itself into pieces, but I would still live there because of the weather even though burning alive is number two in my top six ways I don’t want to die and they have a lot of fires. Drowning is number three and if the state literally breaks apart from the U.S. there is a very real possibility that we will fall into the ocean and drown. But, as I said, I’m only 50/50 on this happening and about 20/80 on it happening in my lifetime.

Apocalypse is number one in that list. Though I think everyone knows that already.

Global Warming would decrease significantly if I stopped buying bottles of water and just drank from the tap like a commoner.

If I have anything other than Campbell’s condensed chicken noodle soup when I’m ill, I swear to God I will stay sick out of spite. Condensed soup or nothing.

I’m very entitled for someone who hails from the lower-middle-class.

I’m at about 30% on whether or not ghosts exist.

Seasons 7-9 of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia are nearly perfect seasons of television, and Brooklyn 99 is the greatest show to ever grace the small screen and nothing you can say will convince me otherwise. Unless you’re arguing for 30 Rock, in which case you might sway me, also Community. But no others.

I get really sad about animals sometimes and then I can’t eat meat for a while.

I think a lot about Judy Garland (nee Frances Gumm) and I want to step in her footprints to see if we were the same size and so I can know whether or not we could have shared ruby slippers or if I would have had to buy my own. Before you say, “but Megan the ruby slippers were not hers, they were part of a movie,” I will reply in advance “Nobody asked you.” Also I do not know if she even has footprints in LA or if it’s just her hands, which I know about because of the picture of her putting her hand in cement while Mickey Rooney looked on.

I wrote a paper about Judy Garland when I was in 8th grade and she is very special to me, so back off. The only thing I remember from the paper is that her name was actually Frances Gumm. The Mickey Rooney picture I know about because I saw it yesterday when I googled pictures of Judy Garland for no real reason whatsoever except that I’ve been re-watching Arrested Development and Liza Minelli has made me think about her.