This website almost expired because the bank sent me a new chip card and I never changed my payment method. I was thinking about this the other night when I couldn’t sleep, which is a thing I never used to have trouble with but am having more trouble with as I get older, along with everything else that is more difficult the older I get. I remember not being able to sleep once as a kid and my mom told me to count backwards from 100, like they make you do when they give you anesthesia. When I had anesthesia to have my wisdom teeth removed, I “woke up” in the middle to hear the nurse say, “shh, shh, don’t cry, it’s okay,” while she patted my shoulder and I heard the crushing sound as they took one of my teeth. But then I went back to sleep. They say nobody ever wakes up during anesthesia, but I did, and was crying, which I know wasn’t a dream because when they were done my face was streaked with tears.
Anyway, the point is that the counting backwards thing doesn’t work on a random night when trying to fall asleep because I find myself needing to visualize each number in my head. Like, bubble numbers floating in front of me and sometimes they have polka dots and sometimes they have stripes and it takes a lot of mental energy and thus does not allow me to fall asleep. Also I get confused and start counting down by twos or I just accidentally give up and start counting regular (upwards?) until I realize I’m doing it wrong and have to start over. Also I always start over sometime around the 70s because I figure if I haven’t fallen asleep by 70 I’m never going to fall asleep so I start again to give myself more time.
The other thing that happens when I count backwards is that I start thinking about firemen? I don’t know. Not in like a sexy, muscled fireman way, but in a “my house is going to burn down and they’re going to have to call the fire department” kind of way. The night I couldn’t sleep was very cold and because I’ve been in my house the longest my roommates think I’m in charge and because I refuse to admit we’ve been defeated by winter and cold weather I absolutely refuse to turn the heat back on, BUT I thought I’d use my space heater just to get a little bit warm. I used it for approximately ten minutes because the plug got hot and I worried my house would burn down.
I know everybody is afraid of their house burning down. Maybe. Right? But I won’t use a crockpot when I’m not home just in case, and I can’t use it overnight night because I smell the food cooking and get nervous and think everything is burning. In fourth grade they gave us a lecture on fire safety and told us we should always have fire ladders and never to close our bedroom doors all the way in case the handles get hot and we’re trapped and I begged my parents for a ladder and I never shut my door, but they never bought me a ladder and when I woke up in the morning my bedroom door was always closed. Just me and my cat locked inside to die with no means of escape from my third floor apartment.
I have never experienced nor known anyone who has experienced a fire. There is no basis for this fear. And yet…
One week from tomorrow I’m seeing Hamilton and earlier this week I joked that I’d have two weeks of Hamilton stress dreams, but ha ha it wasn’t really a joke because I’ve already had two. The first one was just LMM standing on stage singing Ham’s songs out of order and I was so mad because Aaron Burr wasn’t there and I yelled “We went Aaron Burr, sir!” Also Ben Folds was there and dueted with LLM, which, fine, but not what I wanted. And last night I dreamed that Aaron Burr’s understudy was…wait for it…(lol, pun not intended)…me! Except during rehearsals I would only sing “You’ll Be Back” and Lin was like, “You’re going to have to sing your actual songs at some point” and I was all, “I will during the show, but during the rehearsals I want to be King George” and for some reason he let me get away with it. He also had to write a new verse for me to explain why Aaron Burr was a woman now. Erin Burr. I guess my biggest fear right now, bigger than fire, is that somehow Hamilton will not go on as planned or something will happen to keep me from seeing it. Like the apocalypse.