It is almost Christmas and almost a new year. I am sure, that like many of you, doing anything productive for the past month and a half has been difficult. It’s hard to rally when it feels like everything is falling apart.
I’m not okay with last week’s election results. This weekend I indulged in self-care. Then I picked myself up. And I’m totally and completely aware of the privilege I have in being able to do that. That I can be upset, but continue on with my normal life without the fear that is plaguing people I love, strangers I see on the street. I am lucky, in so many ways, and the only way I know to help is in small, voiceless ways and acts of kindness. It’s not something I’ll scream about because that’s just not me and again, I’m aware of the privilege I have that I don’t have to scream and I don’t have to fight. But because I’m not screaming and not fighting doesn’t mean that I don’t care.
I am sort of notoriously anti-holiday of any kind. Christmas is awkward. I don’t like turkey, so Thanksgiving is out. Valentine’s Day? More like “drink wine on the couch and cry” day, amiright?? Ha ha! Just kidding. Totally kidding. I’m kidding, really.
Easter, you know. Okay. I guess you could say the Monday holidays are my favorite because free three-day weekend! But IF forced to choose a holiday, like if someone said, “there can only be one holiday ever again, and all of the other holidays change to this holiday, what would you choose??” I’d choose Halloween. I don’t know why all of the other holidays have to change. They could just go away? The world in my head makes no sense.
Anyway, yes, I trick-or-treated most of the way through high school and no I do not feel guilty about that, come at me. Here are most of my costumes through the years. Because I don’t know what else to do with my time apparently.
In kindergarten I was a witch, with a shiny, purple dress that I loved so much I wanted to wear it every day of my life. My dad was Santa Clause. He carried my candy over his shoulder like a sack of toys. It’s one of my earliest memories. I remember how dark it was and I remember the stars and I remember the street where we lived at the time. I still love that costume.
In first grade I was a princess. My grandma made me a costume of pink and I had a sparkly tiara and wand and there is probably still glitter in my grandparent’s house, unless the new owners ripped up the carpet. I was also at the front of the town Halloween parade, so what up lesser first-graders!
In second grade I was a bunny and I was effing adorable. I pinned my little fluffy tail to the back of a sweatshirt and paraded around in pink tights like there were pants. And, it being the nineties, wearing tights as pants was something I did with alarming frequency. (Mother, LOOK AT MY LIFE, LOOK AT MY CHOICES.)
In third grade I was a witch again. You get to a point where you start recycling costumes because the good ones are few and far between. For some reason, this was the year of the mime. So many people were mimes. I think it’s because just a few weeks before mimes had performed at our school? I was not a mime, but it did begin a life-long love of mimes. And street performers. If I see someone performing on a corner, I don’t care what it is, I will watch and take pictures, but I will run away before they make eye contact and expect money. Get a real job, hippies.
Fourth grade was the bride of Frankenstein, but we were too cheap to buy an actual costume and wig, so my mom spray-painted a gray streak in my teased hair and literally not one person knew what I was supposed to be. “umm…zombie ,maybe” was what people said.
Fifth grade was the year I was a cat. Animals are popular and “cute” when you’re in elementary school.
Then sixth grade was the year of the fortune teller, a year of which I am particularly proud. I wore a long skirt and peasant blouse and a colorful scarf on my head and lots of jangly jewelry and I carried a hamster ball as my crystal ball. It was spectacular. Carrying a hamster ball and a heavy pillow case of candy was actually sort of difficult, but I persevered. For the love of costume. Also, yes. Pillow case. I see these kids out now with tiny pumpkin buckets or grocery bags and I’m like, “AMATEURS.” Because I’m mature. Actually I don’t say anything. Most of the time I turn off the light and hide in my house until trick-or-treating is over.
Seventh grade is when things started getting weird and I went out as a “coked-out Punky Brewster.” I made my fuzzy shirt a half shirt, and I wore a pink quilted jacket and shorts and tights and different colored socks and mostly it was an excuse to show off some skin. Seventh grade, yo!
The next year I was a farm girl, with a blonde, braided wig and denim overalls. Creativity is going down the drain.
Ninth and tenth grade and eleventh grade are a blur. Did I even go trick-or-treating? Senior year I went “80s girl” with some friends, but people thought we were the Spice Girls. We just wanted candy, so, you know. Sure. Whatever you say. The fact that I’ve always looked younger than my age was particularly helpful on Halloween.
When I was 25 I walked around Georgetown on Halloween and it was last minute so I threw on a choker and a bunch of rings and went as a 90s teenager. Basically I was myself with a choker.
I didn’t dress up again until last year, when I put a lot of thought into my broken baby doll costume, but the party was dark and people were just like, “oh, a girl in a baby doll dress.” They couldn’t see the cracks I meticulously painted on my face. What a waste. (Kidding! It was fun either way! Even if Nicole got all the compliments on the costume she bought literally THE DAY BEFORE. But it’s fine. I’m not bitter. I definitely didn’t think about it on “Drink wine on the couch and cry day.”)
This year I’m dressing as a writer who wants to finish revisions before NaNo. So, pajamas. And also drinking wine on the couch and crying. Maybe THAT’s my favorite holiday…
Last weekend I went to Six Flags for their Fright Fest event. I have a weird relationship with fear, in that I hate being scared but also I crave it? I guess the difference is, like, when I’m alone in my house and I hear a noise and don’t know what it is and I think it’s a murderer, that kind of fear I don’t like. But controlled fear? Yes, please. Make me scream. It helps that I’m naturally jumpy and jittery. If you’re too quiet and you walk up to my desk unexpectedly, I will jump very high. People have fun with this. It’s a riot.
I used to love roller coasters. I’d be first in line, I’d sit in the front, or the back because sometimes the back is even scarier. There’s this ride in Kennywood, the amusement park in Pittsburgh, called the Jack Rabbit. It’s an old wooden coaster and toward the end it skips the track. If you’re in the back, you fly. It’s terrifying. I loved it. There’s another ride there, one of the oldest in the country, another wooden coaster, called The Thunderbolt. I was SO EXCITED the first summer I was tall enough to ride it. Sometime during high school I went to Cedar Point where I rode my first stand-up coaster and the kind where you’re feet dangle. I rode them multiple times in one day.
And then I grew up. The longer I go without riding a roller coaster, the more terrifying they become. A few years ago, my friend Anna forced me to ride the Cyclone at Coney Island. I held the bar so tight that I aggravated my carpal tunnel and my fingers were numb for days. And because I didn’t want to be a loser, I went on rides last weekend. I strapped myself in, pulling the belt so tight that my hip hurt. I pulled the harness in until I could only take shallow breaths, but at least I wouldn’t move or fall out. I screamed a lot. I swore. But I did it. I only sat one out. Something about Superman. It was so high, guys. I looked at people going up the first hill and then I looked away and then I looked back and they were STILL going. They weren’t even close to the top. So I stayed where my feet were firmly planted on the ground. I faced my fear of roller coasters and I lived to tell the tale. That’s my favorite thing about being scared. Living through it.
Then came the haunted houses. For some reason when I’m scared, my instinct is to cover my head with my hands and crouch down in the fetal position. While walking. So I when through these haunted houses sort of hunched over with my hands in an awkward half-surrender, always ready to cover my head when the danger came. I jumped a lot. I screamed. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who left with a raspy voice that day. But I loved it. Because walking through I know that even if someone follows me, they will stop eventually. When they burst through a wall, I know they’re just going to go back into the wall. It’s scary, but it’s fine.
I guess the true lesson in all of this, is that you don’t want me on your zombie apocalypse team. I knew this, but now it is confirmed. I will not want to drive fast over rough roads and when faced with fear I will crouch into the fetal position with my hands over my head until the threat disappears. Which, in an apocalypse it never does. So that’s how I’ll die. Rolled up like an armadillo or a scared ‘possum. I absolutely will not face real fears. But the fake ones? Bring it on.
The book I’m revising is about an island and the ocean and a lighthouse and saltwater taffy. It’s based, very loosely, on Long Beach Island, New Jersey, which is where I went on vacation every summer when I was growing up. I often tell people it’s my favorite place in the US and they ask me why and all I can do is shrug and say “it’s where I grew up going.”
But it’s more than that. When I was a kid, we moved a lot. By the time I went to college I had lived in seven different apartments. I never had a place I could point to and call my childhood home. But for the first ten years I went to the beach, we went to the same house. I had a room I called my own. I would pack up the car with things from home so that every summer it felt like mine. It was the one stable thing in my somewhat unstable life. I never knew how things would be week to week or month to month. But no matter what else was going on I could count on those two weeks every summer.
My mom married into this family so the first year we went I was seven. The weekend before, my grandpa took me to the basement of his house and taught me how to polish shells with vinegar and how to hear the ocean in them. I genuinely believed I heard it in the shell held to my ear. I felt like he had given me the world and one week later my grandmother delivered the world, which was bigger and louder and stronger than the shell had made me believe.
Every summer, in those early years, my grandpa and I would take a night and wrap all of the change we’d saved over the previous year and we’d take it to the bank so I’d have my own spending money. He’d joke that he was going to keep his to buy ice cream but he always gave it to me. And every summer he’d arrive with a new project or toy to entertain us. There was the year of stained glass light catchers and the year of puffy paint shirts and the year of counted cross stitch and the year of the boogie board. The year he introduced Christmas in August and we bought each other souvenirs that we’d wrap and hand out. We used an ottoman as a tree. After that it became a yearly tradition.
Before my grandpa retired, my mom, grandma, and I would drive in on Saturday to set up the house. Every year we’d have lunch at a picnic table on the side of the turnpike and every year, that first night, we had sloppy joes that she’d prepared in advance. My grandpa and dad would arrive the next day so my grandpa could preach one last Sunday. Later, we’d all drive the same day and I’d ride with my grandparents, sitting in the backseat with my diskman while they verbally completed the crossword together up front.
I once claimed that there were still pieces of me in the sands of LBI, but the reverse is also true. There are pieces of the island left in me. I bled in that water when I stepped on shells. I burned my feet on the asphalt when I was too stubborn to put on shoes. I fed birds on the shore. I watched sunsets and sunrises. I flew kites and got buried in the sand and showered in what was basically an outhouse. I climbed on the lifeguard chair after hours, even though we weren’t supposed to and I climbed on the dunes, even though we weren’t supposed to. I walked on the jetties, even though it was dangerous. I climbed all 217 steps of the lighthouse and looked out over the breakers.
I swam in the rain and stood on the shore during a thunderstorm as lightning struck the water. I sat at a table playing board games with my family while a nor’easter blew through and I watched my dad and grandpa chase garbage cans down the flooded street when the wind ripped them from the gravel lawn. I experimented with looks and personalities and music in the shops on the island that were so different from anything in Pittsburgh. I sat on a deck and looked at the stars while the ocean roared in the distance. I know which way is south and which way is north and I know which direction to go to find the grocery store or the candy shop or the lighthouse. I remember the bookstore my grandpa used to take me to for secret outings, which we’d follow with secret ice cream and I remember the bakery he went to every morning for pastries when he went out to get the paper.
This summer I went to the Jersey Shore for the first time in 13 years. We didn’t stay on LBI, but Carey graciously allowed me to detour there for a few hours that first day. I’d always irrationally hated Ron Jon’s Surf Shop because when I was a kid I thought they had too many billboards. But then a few years later I came across one of their stores in Cozumel and it was so important to me. The one on LBI is the original Ron Jon’s and it’s one of the first things you see when you arrive on the island and after 13 years it felt like a banner, waving me in. Welcoming me home. Because I was home. The island feels more like home to me than any place I’ve ever lived.
The house we used to stay in has been torn down and one more than twice its size has taken its place. My favorite ice cream shop is gone. Some stores are still there and some aren’t and the island felt both bigger and smaller than I remembered.
I parked on our old street in front of the spot where our old house sat and I walked to the beach. I stood in the ocean. I wore jeans and a long-sleeved shirt and everybody stared when I waded in to my knees, but I was home. In that moment, everything I’ve been going through the past few years disappeared. Everything felt right and perfect and comfortable, like the only place I belong is standing on the shore gazing out at the horizon.
That is not a picture of my shadow. That is a picture of everything of me that I’ve left behind on LBI.
I was afraid it would be hard to go back because it’s often hard for me to go to Pittsburgh. But it wasn’t. It was easy. It was the easiest thing in the world. They say you can’t go home again, but if that home is LBI, maybe I can.
It is hot. Like, really hot. I love summer and the heat. I love being warm. I’m one of those crazy people who goes to the beach and gets goosebumps when the sun goes behind a cloud. I don’t like to be even a little bit cold. But today is hot and it is humid because it is summer on the east coast. My hair did not survive, but my new natural deodorant did. I’m currently sitting at my desk and smelling myself repeatedly to make sure, but so far so good.
If you are in the market for a natural deodorant that works well, I suggest Meow Meow Tweets natural deodorant. I prefer the lemon eucalyptus but both work equally well and are scented very subtly, unlike the Secret scented deodorant which smells so terrible when you actually sweat. I’m a gross person and I sweat because I like heat but I also like wearing as many clothes as possible, so deodorant is a necessity. This one is a little pricey, but cancer treatments are even pricier, so I figure it evens out.
(I do not believe anti-antiperspirant/deodorants cause cancer. Most of the time I believe that. My friend M, concerned about this, once wrote Secret a letter (a letter. I’m so old) asking if she should be concerned and they wrote back and assured her that it didn’t and why shouldn’t we believe a corporation that is in the business of selling product?)
Walking back to work I was hit with a memory of my friend Sarah and I going to the local water park. Sandcastle. We made it a tradition and because it was before we could drive we took two buses and walked almost a mile to get there and we usually got off the bus and went the wrong way, so that mile was actually more. All it cost was like $23 and tons of blistering sunburn because for some reason we always thought, “it’s not like we’re going to the pool or the beach, we don’t need sunscreen.” Did you know that water reflects the sun and makes it more dangerous? I don’t know if that’s true but it sounds like it could be. Now I sometimes put sunscreen on if I’m just driving in the middle of the day so that I don’t get burned through the window.
The same friend with the Secret problem used to do research in a melanoma lab. The point is, my friend M, has over the years convinced me that everything in the world is dangerous. Also that anything over SPF 50 is the same. Don’t be fooled.
I mostly wrote this blog to tell you about my new deodorant. Who knew I could go without the anti-antiperspirant? Other things I’m loving are this lotion from Khiels, which is making my calloused feet so smooth and pretty and Starbucks’ vanilla sweet cream cold brew. How did I ever live without vanilla sweet cream cold brew? Sometimes they run out of cold brew and I ask for it to be made with iced coffee and it’s usually fine but today the barista got SO CONFUSED. It’s exactly the same with different coffee. I don’t even know.
In eight days I’m going to the beach. I haven’t seen the ocean in so many years. I’m going to stare at it and take a video so I can stare at it at home and maybe I’ll collect some seashells to bring back with me and maybe some sand?? Who knows! I’m going to look at the ocean (while wearing natural deodorant and SPF 50.)
Nothing has changed. Every year I think that when I wake up on my birthday I’ll magically feel different. Maybe because this was a big year for me I believed it again. When I was little I couldn’t wait to be sixteen, but sixteen was only just fine. Then I was excited for twenty-five and twenty-five was mediocre and then thirty! I was so excited to be thirty, like this would be my decade, but thirty ended up being my worst year ever and thirty-one and thirty-two were better but three is my lucky number! Now I am two of my lucky number! This is going to be my year! I can feel it! I’ve only been thirty-three for a couple days so reality hasn’t yet set in. I’m still optimistic. I mean, I didn’t jump out of my bed on Tuesday to find birds mending clothes and fixing my hair but I did find that my mousetrap, which has been there since the Great Mouse Incident last spring, had caught a mouse, so the animals were attempting to be there for me but I killed them because as it turns out I don’t actually want that.
One good thing about my birthday was that I strategically planned my trip to New York and my ticket to see HAMILTON for the weekend before my birthday. I saw Hamilton three days before my birthday and two days before it won a PULITZER. A freaking Pulitzer. LMM is living all of my dreams. Genius Grant! Pulitzer! If he wins a Nobel like I guess I just give up on life? God help and forgive me, I want to build something that’s gonna outlive me. (The Room Where it Happens is my favorite song in Hamilton and seeing it live was the best thing that’s ever happened to me, like COME ON, Leslie Odom Jr., just be real because you are not human.)
[Insert picture here of LOJ leading the dancers but I’m too stupid for wordpress]
Anyway, I will probably never win a Genius Grant or a Pulitzer and definitely not a Nobel, but if I’m going to get close it’s going to start this year, my thirty-third year. I hate numbers but I BELIEVE in them. They are fact. You can’t fake numbers.
I will also probably never write a musical but I also really want to do that. There are a millions things I’ll never do, but just you wait? It’s healthy to have dreams.
It’s going to be a good year.
This website almost expired because the bank sent me a new chip card and I never changed my payment method. I was thinking about this the other night when I couldn’t sleep, which is a thing I never used to have trouble with but am having more trouble with as I get older, along with everything else that is more difficult the older I get. I remember not being able to sleep once as a kid and my mom told me to count backwards from 100, like they make you do when they give you anesthesia. When I had anesthesia to have my wisdom teeth removed, I “woke up” in the middle to hear the nurse say, “shh, shh, don’t cry, it’s okay,” while she patted my shoulder and I heard the crushing sound as they took one of my teeth. But then I went back to sleep. They say nobody ever wakes up during anesthesia, but I did, and was crying, which I know wasn’t a dream because when they were done my face was streaked with tears.
Anyway, the point is that the counting backwards thing doesn’t work on a random night when trying to fall asleep because I find myself needing to visualize each number in my head. Like, bubble numbers floating in front of me and sometimes they have polka dots and sometimes they have stripes and it takes a lot of mental energy and thus does not allow me to fall asleep. Also I get confused and start counting down by twos or I just accidentally give up and start counting regular (upwards?) until I realize I’m doing it wrong and have to start over. Also I always start over sometime around the 70s because I figure if I haven’t fallen asleep by 70 I’m never going to fall asleep so I start again to give myself more time.
The other thing that happens when I count backwards is that I start thinking about firemen? I don’t know. Not in like a sexy, muscled fireman way, but in a “my house is going to burn down and they’re going to have to call the fire department” kind of way. The night I couldn’t sleep was very cold and because I’ve been in my house the longest my roommates think I’m in charge and because I refuse to admit we’ve been defeated by winter and cold weather I absolutely refuse to turn the heat back on, BUT I thought I’d use my space heater just to get a little bit warm. I used it for approximately ten minutes because the plug got hot and I worried my house would burn down.
I know everybody is afraid of their house burning down. Maybe. Right? But I won’t use a crockpot when I’m not home just in case, and I can’t use it overnight night because I smell the food cooking and get nervous and think everything is burning. In fourth grade they gave us a lecture on fire safety and told us we should always have fire ladders and never to close our bedroom doors all the way in case the handles get hot and we’re trapped and I begged my parents for a ladder and I never shut my door, but they never bought me a ladder and when I woke up in the morning my bedroom door was always closed. Just me and my cat locked inside to die with no means of escape from my third floor apartment.
I have never experienced nor known anyone who has experienced a fire. There is no basis for this fear. And yet…
One week from tomorrow I’m seeing Hamilton and earlier this week I joked that I’d have two weeks of Hamilton stress dreams, but ha ha it wasn’t really a joke because I’ve already had two. The first one was just LMM standing on stage singing Ham’s songs out of order and I was so mad because Aaron Burr wasn’t there and I yelled “We went Aaron Burr, sir!” Also Ben Folds was there and dueted with LLM, which, fine, but not what I wanted. And last night I dreamed that Aaron Burr’s understudy was…wait for it…(lol, pun not intended)…me! Except during rehearsals I would only sing “You’ll Be Back” and Lin was like, “You’re going to have to sing your actual songs at some point” and I was all, “I will during the show, but during the rehearsals I want to be King George” and for some reason he let me get away with it. He also had to write a new verse for me to explain why Aaron Burr was a woman now. Erin Burr. I guess my biggest fear right now, bigger than fire, is that somehow Hamilton will not go on as planned or something will happen to keep me from seeing it. Like the apocalypse.
When I was a kid and it had been a while since I journaled, I’d always begin with “Sorry it’s been so long!” I don’t know who I was apologizing to, knowing full well that I was the only person who would ever read those journals. And by “kid” I mean I still do this when journaling. As though it’s a bad thing to be living your life or to be afraid of your own feelings.
Writing (fiction – not journaling or blogging, obvs). It’s been so long. Sometimes I begin new scenes with “sorry it’s been so long.” I’m kidding. But I feel like I should. Because for two years I was trying to write and nothing was clicking and finally, finally, it’s clicking and it feels good and when I get home I WANT to write and I think about it at work and while driving and I’m remember why I wanted to do this in the first place. Maybe it will stick this time.
Right now I’m reading two books: Everything is Illuminated, because I want to see how Foer made the shtetl characters come to life, and Wrapped in Rainbows, a biography of Zora Neale Hurston for Women’s Lives Bookclub, which you should all join, because there are really smart discussions happening over there and cool people discussing and I’m basically just watching and learning, because I’m a much better observer than participant.
Re-watching Brooklyn 99 and also keeping up with the current season. I also binged Arrow because I was really invested in whether or not Felicity and Oliver would bang. I don’t want to spoil it, but they did and it wasn’t worth it and I can’t bring myself to even finish season three. Sorry for spoiling it. I also really like You, Me and the Apocalypse, which is funny because I’m so scared of the apocalypse. Like, that movie, “Seeking a Friend for the End of the World” was super hard to watch and I had a lot of fear afterwards, so I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself, kinda like how people love scary movies. These are my scary movies.
Borns. Look, yes, I heard Electric Love on a commercial and I fell in love with it and started listening to the album and told a friend, “it’s okay, but I think it will grow on me” and I updated her not even an hour later to say that it had in fact grown on me and now I love it a lot and can’t stop listening to it and want it playing in my head non-stop all the time.
Matcha tea latte with coconut milk that I will go get at lunch, on this beautiful, sunny, 75* day, everything is perfect today. I love today.
One month from today I’m seeing Hamilton. !!!
That I were not working on this perfect day.
Making Me Happy
Borns and matcha tea lattes with coconut milk.
I’m so bad at blogging, which is weird, because I love it, because mostly I tell stories about myself and I’m my favorite thing. Anyway, I’d started a post about how things have changed since I moved to Virginia nine years ago last month, but it felt whiny and self-indulgent, and then turned into this whole thing about my skin and how it and I have both come to hate winter and then aging in general and how I’m not doing it well. Everything hurts! I get paper cuts just looking at paper! My cheeks are permanently rouged in a way that looks like a five-year-old attacked me with blush! Everything is terrible!
I mean, it’s fine. Whatever. I’m a survivor, I’ll survive this. (I’m the opposite of a survivor. I’m like one of those things that plays dead when they’re afraid except I’ll always be afraid and my pretend death will lead to starvation, dehydration, and my inevitable actual death.)
I’m working on a new book that I love, which is a departure from other things, but also, at the same time, super not a departure. It’s about love and it’s about the ocean, two things that, when faced with, will cause me to play dead. I mean, I like the ocean a lot. It’s my favorite thing. I could sit and stare at it for hours and feel like none of my day has been wasted. I used to run fearlessly into the waves! And then I got older and one time a wave body-slammed me onto the shore, way less gently than when my brother used to pretend he was Hulk Hogan, and for a few minutes I couldn’t breathe and I haven’t gone in the ocean since. My experience with love has been much the same.
But the new book! It’s coming along. This weekend it’s supposed to be 20 degrees, which is something that shouldn’t exist!I’m going to order pizza, and wear my pajamas all weekend, and possibly my electric blanket, and I’m going to write so much of this book! And also read a few things.
So anyway, the point is, that nine years ago I wouldn’t be doing this. Writing, mostly. Confronting my fears, even if for now it’s only through words. I’ve been so many people since I moved here and I think I’m finally settled, for the most part. You never stop changing, of course, but I spent all of my twenties trying to be someone other people thought I should be and I’ve finally stopped and it’s amazing! Everyone should do this! But hopefully you figure it out before age 32.
Nine years ago I definitely would have wasted work time writing a blog post, though, so I guess not THAT much as changed.