Squad Goals – Taylor vs Carly

Totally made-up reasons why I would be in Carly Rae Jepsen’s squad over Taylor Swift’s.

A boy’s clothes are scattered around the room. His hands are in Taylor Swift’s hair. She is reclining on a plush chaise, fully clothed. Taylor Swift does not take her clothes off for anyone. People take their clothes off for Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift’s belly button remains a mystery.

Carly Rae Jepsen lounges naked in the sheets and watches late night television and probably eats cookies in bed. Taylor Swift watches only epic romances that take place on African safaris.

Taylor Swift’s response to boy problems is to bake things and write songs about how her life is better without them. Taylor Swift puts on red lipstick and calls her squad for group photos. Carly Rae Jepsen drinks caramel apple vodka straight from the bottle and her friends tell her to get her shit together.

Taylor Swift is New York. She exits the gym looking flawless, in clothes that would make a young, modern-day Jackie Kennedy Onassis seethe with jealousy. Carly Rae Jepsen is LA. Carly Rae Jepsen is effortlessly cool. Carly Rae Jepsen wears jeans with holes in them and dyes her hair cool colors.

Taylor Swift falls in love. Taylor Swift waits on a throne for men to come to her and declare their all-consuming passion. Carly Rae Jepsen makes the first move. Carly Rae Jepsen has crushes and falls for the wrong guy and says the wrong thing. Carly Rae Jepsen knows she’d never change herself for any guy.

Taylor Swift gets in cars with reckless drivers, who drive without headlights. Carly Rae Jepsen is the reckless driver, going too fast and running red lights.

Boys drive past Taylor Swift’s house. Carly Rae Jepsen drives past boys’ houses.

Taylor Swift gets mad when the Queens of Comedy and All that is Perfect in this Flawed World (Tina Fey and Amy Poehler) make jokes at her expense. Carly Rae Jepsen is a guest on fake, comedy talk shows.

Taylor Swift would never let the wind blow through her hair with the top down. Taylor Swift wears a scarf. Carly Rae Jepsen likes the feel of the wind. Carly Rae Jepsen gets knots in her hair.

Taylor Swift gets rescued. Carly Rae Jepsen rescues.

Taylor Swift dances in ball gowns. Carly Rae Jepsen didn’t JUST come to dance, if you know what she means.

Both Taylor Swift and Carly Rae Jepsen fight in rainstorms though, so, either way I’ve got that.

Disclaimer: I love both Taylor and Carly Rae. I own every Taylor album and even attended the Red tour. These observations are solely based on listening to E*Mo*Tion incessantly and the jealousy I feel after stalking Taylor Swift’s Instagram. This disclaimer is because I am very afraid of Taylor’s squad.


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