Leaving on a Jet Plane (Know Exactly When I’ll Be Back Again)

Next week I get on an airplane! I love airplanes and flying. That’s a lie. I love the idea of flying, but actually I don’t super love flying itself. I mean, when everything is going smoothly and I’m looking out the window at the clouds and the world below it’s beautiful, magical, perfect. But any tiny bump and the magic is lost and I want to land and never do it again. Except I also hate landing, so like I’d rather just keep flying around the world forever in a smooth trip through the clouds so long as I never have to descend. Because I super believe that as we are descending the plane is just going to be like, “ugh, I’m so sick of doing this so slowly.” I think planes are impatient because I like to personify inanimate things with my own characteristics. So, hey, anyway, let’s build a world in the clouds! That would be perfect and safe and maybe then I’d learn how they actually stay in the sky! I realize I say stupid things. I get it. I was in the honor society in high school but then barely graduated college because I hated going to class. That just got super in my way of sleeping and reading for pleasure and I just found the whole ordeal, at that time in my life, to a huge bummer. Anyway, the point is, I never learned simple truths, but if you have questions about juggalos, I’m your girl. Also I’m sort of an expert on the reproductive practices of random animals like turtles, snakes, and birds. Because you always hear about the “birds and the bees” but have you actually thought about HOW? I never did and then one day I DID and now I know and I can tell you.

One time on a flight back from Miami (cue Will Smith song) we flew into DC during a storm and the airport was too crowded for us and we had to descend THREE times and it was the worst flight of my life (for which I am grateful and lucky and happy), but the plane was filled with a group of teenaged missionaries returning from building an orphanage in South America and I was like, “Cool, God would definitely not kill a plane full of missionaries. Unless He’s decided that they’ve finished with their calling.” It wasn’t pleasant. I gripped the armrests like they alone could keep me in the sky while the sixteen-year-old boy next to me looked at me like I was a sort of hungover, unshowered, twenty-six-year-old weirdo, which, tbh, was 80% true. It was an accident, but I discovered the night before that I really like Mai Tai’s.

Next week I am not going to Miami, I am going to Detroit! That is where the members of Insane Clown Posse dropped out of school to form their…band? Duo? Act? They formed, is the point. And then after Detroit I make my triumphant return to Seattle, a place I love dearly, to spend time with a person I love dearly and will one day, sadly, have to murder because she knows too many of my secrets and also, ALSO, speaking of flying (just trying to bring it full circle) I will be taking a ride in a hot air balloon and it was one of those things I’ve always wanted to do but never know how BADLY I wanted to do until the opportunity presented itself and now I’m SO EXCITED and will click my heels three times before we take off.

One time I went to a David Sedaris signing and I quoted The Wizard of Oz and he called me adorable.

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