In Which I Consider a Career as an Advice-Columnist

When I was in junior high we had to fill out these surveys for English class and then our teacher taped them to the back wall. I still don’t know why. But I noticed that my crush wrote that his favorite movie was Austin Powers.

That weekend my friend and I rented it because I wanted to be able to say that it was my favorite movie. I did not tell her that my crush wrote it as his favorite movie. She was a year younger and didn’t know about the surveys. It was my little secret. So we watched it at my house and guys I laughed SO HARD. Like, it hurt how hard I was laughing. Even my friend noticed. She said, “Wow, I’ve never heard you laugh so hard.” And I was like, “I know, right? This movie is so funny!”

Here’s a secret: I didn’t even think it was that funny. I was faking it. I just needed someone to observe me finding it hilarious so that when I went back to school and was like, “I loved Austin Powers. It was soooo good!” I’d have back up. Nobody would be able to say, “Have you even seen it? I bet you didn’t even laugh.”

I learned a lot of lessons from this experience. One, if you do the best fake laugh of all time be sure to follow your dreams straight to stardom. You are destined for the stage, screen, etc. Everything else will be a disappointment. Two, and this is most important, always pretend to like things that you don’t in order to attract a boy (or people in general).

The closest this boy and I ever got to having anything was when we were walking home from school one day (separately – he with his friends and I with mine) he turned and yelled “Hey, sugar nipples!” Another lesson here. If a boy shouts something immature that makes you mildly uncomfortable you should definitely hold on to that crush for at least two years and assume that every time he asks you for gum, which is often, this type of boy never, ever carries his own gum, he is REALLY asking you on a date. You are dating. You and this boy are a couple.

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